The Klog

Reflections on Being a Parent

Wed, 06 Aug 2025 00:00:00 -0700

A friend of mine got engaged recently, and when I visited him and his fiancee, they asked me probing questions about kids. How does it change things? Is it worth it? Do you lose all your time?

I remember asking those same kinds of questions when my wife and I first started seriously contemplating having kids. In general, the answers I got were very positive - yes, it’s absolutely worth it. They were also, though, somehow unsatisfactory and vague. Those same people had bags under their eyes, would constantly be interrupted by their energetic offspring, and would be hard to do fun things with that did not involve kids. When asked why it was all worth it, they would use vague phrases like “Your heart is walking around outside of your body.” It was like a cult: they couldn’t clearly articulate why it was so great, they would mostly only hang out with other “cult members” (parents), and on many of the metrics a single man might care about (energy level, sleep quality, ability and time to do fun things etc.), they were clearly doing worse.

In the end, I concluded that there was really no way to know what it’s like to have kids other than to jump in and do it. And so, eventually, I did.

Why and when to jump in

This should go without saying, but to be explicit: being a parent is not for everyone and not at all times. I shudder trying to imagine myself as a parent as a teenager, before I’d got to do all the things I wanted to do. I am sure that some teens make a great go of it as parents, but it sure as hell wouldn’t have been me.

In 2019, I left my job running Ecogate to spend a year doing some of the things that are simple for a single man to do and that would be much harder to do with a family. I visited 15 countries, rode motorcycles through tiny villages to lonely mountaintops, hopped and swam down canyons, and slept in tiny shacks. I wrote a screenplay, which has not been made into a major motion picture. I learned to surf. I met lots of people. I had a good ole’ time.

And yet, after a few months, I noticed there was something missing, some gap or void tugging at my consciousness. I started doing various projects that felt a lot like unpaid work - the screenplay, the Micelf prototype, and so on. I was ready to shoulder some responsibilities again.

But even that wasn’t quite it. I do get fulfillment from my work, but that still wasn’t quite filling that nameless void. Eventually I decided that my body was telling me to join every single one of my ancestors and have some kids. It was time.

Joy

I look at some of my single or childless friends, and see their exotic travels, and sometimes I do wish it was easier to do more of that. But every time I look at those travel photos, and their other hobbies - a nice mechanical watch, designing and building their own furniture, playing a yet-trickier song on guitar - I also have complete confidence that none of those activities would bring me the same joy or fulfillment that my daughter does.

My daughter is two and half now, and I think at this age children are capable of experiencing joy to a degree that is just impossible for an adult. The simplest things can bring this out - Astro, our dog, running along with us while we ride my mountain bike, getting a toy car to go just the right way, or when she finally correctly describes what is happening in the story we read before bed.

Joy

Humans naturally mirror each other’s emotions, so when my daughter laughs in this great joy, it creates some of that same joy in me. This is a deeper joy than I can recall from before she came into my life, and indeed I don’t think words can do it justice. The best soccer goals I’ve scored, the best mountain bike turns and jumps I’ve hit, the best software and products I’ve made… none of them can compare to that joy. It’s of an entirely different class.

There’s also longer-term fulfillment - watching her grow over time is fantastic. This summer I spent time teaching her how to swim. When we started, she was scared of the pool. Today, she laughs with incredible glee every time she jumps in, and keeps giggling the whole time as she swims circles. The only sad part is when it’s time to stop. That growth process has been fun and fulfilling for both of us.

Still, just like those friends whom I’d asked before I had kids, I cannot fully articulate all the positives of being a parent. DHH discussed this during his interview with Lex Fridman - the practical negatives of parenting are easy to articulate, but the overwhelming connection and love can only be understood by going through it yourself. DHH said that all his life he’d been living on a 1-10 scale of happiness, and after having kids he’d realized that it actually goes all the way to 100. Strong words.

None of this is to suggest that the downsides aren’t real. I am dictating these words at 3:00 a.m. while feeding a 2-month-old, and remember how just a few days ago I was asking myself how poop could have possibly gotten on the wall. I feel keenly aware of the downsides. We’ll see how I deal with teenagers; I shudder to think of some of the ways I acted as a teenager (sorry mom, dad, and others). I guess that’s just a normal part of human development, and everything I dished out I’ll get paid back starting in eleven years or so. But so far, after those tough first few months, it’s been a deal I’d take just about any day.

Psychologist Daniel Gilbert and colleagues have done surveys on life satisfaction by age (also known as “happiness curve” surveys), and asked people of various ages the following questions: How happy are you now? How happy do you think you’ll be in 5, 10, or 20 years? How happy do you remember being at earlier ages?

Their main finding is that people at any given age tend to predict that their current age is the “best of times,” and that happiness will decline in the future — yet, when they actually reach those later ages, they’re just as happy (or even happier).

I think parenting is a little bit like that: from the outside it doesn’t look like it could possibly be better than what you have without kids, and yet once you find yourself there, you find that somehow it is.

The most important thing is not everything

So far, pretty uncontroversial. Here’s where things may get trickier.

In the US now there’s this trend of superparents, and especially super moms, who try to do everything - all the extracurriculars, all the detailed prep, help with homework every night, all the PTA meetings, every single thing done to perfection. And I think that’s probably good for neither the parents nor the kids.

If you’re a parent, kids may well be the most important thing in your life… but the most important is not everything. DHH still races cars. I still ride motorcycles and mountain bikes. Humans are multidimensional, and no matter how awesome your kids, there are itches that they cannot scratch. A part of me still needs adrenaline and flow.

Even if you are someone who could give up on fulfilling those needs in your life, I think making your kids the center of your life, and making them your own path to fulfillment is probably not healthy for you or them - you will harbor resentment for all the things you gave up, and the kids face terrible pressure to be perfect in every way, lest they be the reason that your life is less than perfect. It’s also important for kids to see that life isn’t all about shouldering responsibilities and being infinitely selfless - it’s OK to have fun, too. If your kids see you loving your life, I think it will help them love theirs, too. This is also the central message of Julie Lythcott-Haims’ book How to Raise an Adult, which gets 3/5 Krystof stars.

So don’t worry too much, have some kids, and enjoy your life with them!

Mountain Biking with Astro, Cameradog

Sun, 22 Dec 2024 00:00:00 -0800

I don’t have a lot to say here other than that Astro and I both agree that mountain biking is a great way to start the day:

LADWP has been trying to close the trails at Haines Canyon due to prodding by the California Department of Fish and Wildlife and the California State Water Resources board. Here’s hoping they all take a step back and do what Astro suggests and work with the community to find a win-win way to keep the trails open.

"Krystof Reads Every Day"

Tue, 26 Nov 2024 00:00:00 -0800

In elementary school, each student in my class made a bookmark under the careful direction of our teacher. Were they each a unique artistic expression of the child who made it? No. They were very simple: just two columns going down, with spaces for a date and a signature.

We were to take these home every day, and our parents were to add the date and their signature when we read with them on that particular day. Then we brought the bookmark back to school to show the teacher that we had diligently practiced at home.

After a few weeks of this, my mom wrote “Krystof reads every day” on the bookmark, signed it, and never looked at it again. My teacher was amused by this, but what was she going to do? And so I showed her this bookmark every day, and every day she smiled and accepted it.

Minas Tirith on my mind

“Krystof reads every day”.

It was probably true, or at least close. My parents had a huge library that spanned most of our house growing up. There were books on huge shelves in all of the bedrooms, in my dad’s office, and in the living room. I genuinely thought we had a copy of all the books worth reading in the whole world. If someone at school recommended a specific book, I’d ask my mom, and I’d have it on my bed stand the same day or the next. If I didn’t have a specific book in mind, my mom would say she’d think about it and come back with something fun.

In 2001, the Fellowship of the Ring film came out, and from then on I wanted to get as much Tolkien as I could. The day I came back from the cinema I asked my mom for the book, and she handed it to me before nightfall. I loved it, of course, so when I finished it I asked her for the sequel, The Two Towers. Two days later, it still hadn’t materialized, so I went to my mom with great confusion. What was taking so long?

She said she couldn’t find it, and that we probably just didn’t have it. I was shocked. I guess we didn’t have all the books in the world, and not even all the books worth reading! I ended up borrowing the The Two Towers from a friend.

I read all of Tolkien’s books after that, including The Silmarillion (considered the mark of true Tolkien fans because it’s such a slog to get through), and then even the rarer Unfinished Tales.

In college I found Ernest Hemingway, and after reading A Farewell To Arms, I remember feeling angry at some of the English teachers in my past. Why had they kept Hemingway hidden from me? How could they feed us stuff like Wuthering Heights and stay mum about The Sun Also Rises? I simply could not comprehend it - and to this day I am puzzled that through all of high school and college not a single teacher had us read anything from Hemingway.

I do still read every day, just about. Before my daughter was born I read about 20-25 books per year; these days it’s down to about 12. About half of those are fiction, and half non-fiction.

I got a Kindle a couple of years ago, and that’s been transformative for my ability to take notes on what I’m reading, and to review and process those notes. I had really struggled with it before - taking notes always required another device, but with the Kindle it’s fast and easy. I wrote this script to process notes exported from the Kindle into a nicely formatted Markdown document, which makes it easy to add them to my second brain in Roam.

For books where I really want to solidify the takeaways for myself, I publish my cleaned up and re-organized book notes here on The Klog. You can find them in the archives.

I’ve tried books on tape, and they work ok for fiction for me, but for non-fiction I do still find the act of reading preferable. It is much easier to pause, re-read, reflect, and jot down notes that way, and I find that in aggregate that makes a big difference to my ability to get value out of the book.

What are the books that have made a big impact on your life?

Nick Slaughter, Pepa, and Making Friends With Your Fists

Wed, 25 Sep 2024 00:00:00 -0700

When I was growing up in Czechia, there was exactly one TV channel, unimaginatively called “Czech TV”. When there was anything even remotely interesting on it, you and all your friends watched it. Later that same public broadcaster added a second channel (“Czech TV 2”), but that was more of the same, now with more soccer games. The big shift came when we finally got the first public broadcaster, TV Nova. They weren’t so tied to the old ways and introduced us to edgier American entertainment.

There are a few shows that stand out: Xena, Hercules, Renegade, Highlander. But there’s another one that made a powerful impression: Tropical Heat. Check out these intro titles:

Women in bikinis, sandy beaches, and driving around in a Jeep Wrangler with no doors (never mind a roof) - that’s what life in America was like. The protagonist, “Nick Slaughter”, always wears an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt and solves problems with his fists. That’s what it meant to be cool.

Against this backdrop, then, picture me and my friends in third grade. It’s the “snack” break between second and third period, and like during all breaks, we were outside playing soccer. There were about six of us who were any good, and usually we’d set up the teams to be pretty even, but on this particular day for whatever reason that was not the case. On this particular day the teams were very uneven, and all the good players except me decided to be on the other team. The result was predictable: my team lost very badly.

Walking back to class, my friends mocked our team mercilessly, and me in particular. I think the pretext for what followed was arguing about exactly how bad the score was.

“6-0,” they said, and laughed.

“5-0”, I growled.

It makes no difference, of course. 5-0 is still a spanking. But hey, to my eight-year-old self this point of contention became something to cling to, a new battle that maybe I’d be able to win.

But not easily. Discussion led to argument, argument to shoving, and shoving led to Pepa, the biggest, baddest kid in class elbowing me in the stomach and knocking the wind out of me. By the time I caught my breath again, Pepa and the other kids were a ways away, still laughing at my expense.

To my eight year old self it was an unacceptable slight. Being beaten terribly on the field by teams stacked so unfairly, being mocked endlessly for it, and then finally getting the wind knocked out of me for my trouble? No, that was not OK. What should I do?

What would Nick Slaughter do? That one was easy - Nick Slaughter solved problems with his fists.

So I caught up to my friends, walked into the middle of the group, and punched Pepa in the face.

Then I was unsure what happens next. I think in the show, Nick Slaughter generally knocks out bad guys with one punch and that’s the end of it, and he goes back to drinking margaritas on the beach. So that’s what I did: walked off to the side, leaned against a fence, and stood there nice and cool, as if nothing had happened. This was the end of the story, right?

I still remember thinking how weird it was that Pepa was striding so purposefully towards me. Didn’t he get that I won, because I landed the first punch? He was getting rather close now, and I realized that he might, in fact, be about to hit me back. So I… leaned back as far as I could. I didn’t put my hands up, I didn’t try to fight back, I didn’t run… I just kind of leaned away, hoping that Pepa couldn’t reach me.

His punch landed right on the nose, just as mine had.

I don’t remember what happened next. Maybe the teacher saw this and separated us, but I think it’s equally plausible that we just stopped on our own. We’d each landed a punch and so were even, meaning there weren’t more things that needed settling.

The next memory I have is of Pepa and me sitting across from each other in the hallway outside of our classroom. We’re sitting there quietly, each holding a napkin to our bloody nose. W’re quiet… but we are both smiling.

We’d shared a powerful new experience - taking matters into our own hands in the way that real men like Nick Slaughter do. We’d ventured out of the zone of the little kids all around us and into the realm of tough men, pushed against the biggest rock around… and we each found that the other was just as tough, ready to go, and not about to take any shit from anyone.

When our noses stopped bleeding, the teacher invited us back into the classroom. Under her direction, Pepa and I shook hands and told everyone what good friends we were… and it was true. Pepa became my best friend that day.

We keep in touch to this day, and Pepa is the only friend I still have from that time, even though we’ve been separated by an ocean and one and a half continents for most of the last twenty-two years.

I haven’t thrown a punch in anger since then (perhaps I learned that in real life things aren’t quite as simple as they are in Nick Slaughter’s world), and I don’t advocate this approach for anyone… but at that moment it allowed us to find in each other an equal in an environment where you normally couldn’t do that. There are surely better ways to do it, but I think they all involve pushing limits and going where most people aren’t willing to go.

When you get somewhere like that, look around: any other people there have the same right stuff that you do. Make friends.

Two More Weeks in Japan

Sun, 04 Aug 2024 00:00:00 -0700

Twelve years after first setting foot in Japan I made it back (this time with Stephanie!), and the country and its people charmed me all over again.

We spent a great two weeks in Japan

We visited Tokyo, Jigokudani, Kyoto, hiked on the Kumano Kodo, finally spent a lazy few days on the Izu Peninsula. Hiking the ancient pilgrimage route on the Kumano Kodo was particularly special, so I made that a separate post, which you can find here. I’ll tell you about all the rest here.

Tokyo

Forty million
People live drink love fuck die
Each on their own path

Tokyo - view from Tokyo Tower, lunch at Gonpachi (which is the inspiration for the restaurant in big swordfighting scene in Kill Bill), Shibuya crossing, and a statue of Aizen in Tokyo National Museum.

Trains in Tokyo

I had probably the tastiest ramen I’ve ever eaten at Kyushu Jangara Akihabara. The place is tiny: the whole restaurant, including the kitchen and bathroom, would fit in an American living room. There’s cramped seating for only twelve or so customers, and the menu is short - just a few types of ramen, plus options for what toppings you want. Despite this, there’s usually a line outside. And for good reason: the ramen is that great.

Kyushu Jangara Akihabara, probably the best ramen in the world.

If you go to Tokyo, check it out. You might also visit Ramen Nagayama, right by the Tokyo National Museum. My brother Marek says this hole in the wall spot has the best ramen he ever had. If you try both, do let me know which one is better :). I planned to do this important research myself, but ultimately didn’t make it to Ramen Nagayama due to inclement weather and an allegedly waterproof jacket that turned out to be anything but.

An experience Stephanie and I both enjoyed was visiting the teamLab Planets museum. To say that this was way, way better than the Van Gogh Immersive Experience in LA is a massive understatement. If you’re in Tokyo, check it out.

Jigokudani

In a mountain spring
In a lover’s sweet embrace
We’re all seeking warmth

Snow monkeys at Jigokudani, no snow involved

Kyoto

Come, wandering soul
Get lost in my narrow streets
Temple to temple

Kyoto

Kyoto is a special little city of tiny alleys and enormous temples. Wandering its streets at night is a magical experience. It’s amazing where the locals manage to squeeze their tiny kei cars (and bicycles and scooters).

The narrow streets of Kyoto

The big temples are beautiful, but there might be even more magic at the little ones you happen across as you wander aimlessly. A few times we happened upon a small yet well-kept temple, and we were the only ones there.

A small temple and cemetery in Kyoto

Kiyomizu-dera

Fushimi Inari Taisha

A guardian fox at Fushimi Inari Taisha

Fushimi Inari Taisha

Izu Peninsula

Izufornia
Take the best from three great spots
Sun, sand, wind, and stars

The Izu Peninsula is a three hour drive southwest from Tokyo. To get to its southern coast, one must make their way through the peninsula’s mountainous center, and on the other side it feels like a different world. The locals brand it as “Izufornia”, and indeed it feels like a mix of Japanese, Californian, and Hawaiian cultures.

People wear Hawaiian shirts, and Hawaiian music plays in hotels and stores. But the local souvenir store also sells UCLA shirts and California-branded items. And best of all, the beach in front of our hotel in Kawazu has beautiful, soft sand. It’s the only sandy beach we saw during our trip to Japan, and here’s how excited I was to go for a swim:

Our stay in Izufornia was a nice, relaxing coda to our trip. The pace was slower.

The intimate restaurants in Japan are a nice experience I haven’t had elsewhere. Some of them fit only six customers. A pleasant aspect of this is that in these tiny places the chef prepares food right in front of you, and you get to interact with him. This is trickier when your Japanese is limited to touristy phrases, but you can make it work with a little bit of extra determination, patience, and creativity. We had nice experiences like this in a few places in Tokyo, Kyoto, and the Izu peninsula.

Donburyia in Kawazu

I asked the owner of Donburyia if we could add our signatures to his wall; he said sorry, that’s only for movie stars. I told him Stephanie is a movie star, and he made the greatest face of pleased shock I’ve ever seen, something right out of anime. After a brief check of IMBD, he handed Stephanie a sharpie. If you visit, find our names on the wall.

We visited the Kawazu Seven Waterfalls, on the Kawazu River, which was pretty.

Two of Kawazu's Seven Waterfalls and some local wasabi

The local area is famous for its wasabi, and small restaurants near the waterfall offer various dishes based on it. I got some soba noodles. The wasabi comes as a full root on the side, and you get a small grater to add as much as you like, the way you might do with parmesan in an Italian restaurant. Here’s what it looks like.

Sleeper at the museum. This is at The Hakone Open-Air Museum.

Travelling in Japan is surprisingly expensive, regardless of the means - trains and buses and cars are all much pricier over long distances than compared to North America or Europe, I think. Maybe because the country is so mountainous, so infrastructure is extra expensive. There are so many tunnels in so many places.

Food, on the other hand, is cheap by American standards - Stephanie and I paid $35 for all the delicious sushi and sashimi we could eat in a conveyor belt sushi place in Gose on the way to the Kumano Kodo.

Another highlight: 7-Eleven has smoothies - you buy a cup of frozen fruit for two bucks, stick it in a machine, and push a button. The machine adds some water and blends your fruit right in the cup. The result is tasty, cheap, and widely available. I can’t wait for these to come to the US.

No trip to Japan could be complete without a good look at Mt. Fuji, so on the drive back to Haneda Airport, we stopped at Jukkoku Pass and took the funicular to the peak to enjoy that famous view:

Jukkoku Pass Observation Deck view of Mount Fuji

We also got a similar view from the famous viewpoint on Lake Ashi. I think this is the universe telling us we should come back :)

Kumano Kodo

Tue, 23 Jul 2024 00:00:00 -0700

We hiked the Kumano Kodo!

The Kumano Kodō is a series of ancient pilgrimage routes that crisscross the Kii Peninsula. These mountainous trails are used by pilgrims to the … Three Grand Shrines of Kumano: Kumano Hongū Taisha, Kumano Nachi Taisha and Kumano Hayatama Taisha… It has been visited by pilgrims seeking healing and salvation as a site of religious significance for over a thousand years. People with backgrounds from peasants to emperors would visit the region. Wikipedia

Collage from the Kumano Kodo

Stephanie and I had a wonderful three-day trip along the Nakahechi Route from Hongu to Nachisan, with nights in Yunomine Onsen, Koguchi, and Nachisan.

The path of our Kumano Kodo trek is shown in red highlight in the lower left of the map.

Kumano Hongu Taisha Otorii is the largest torii (traditional gate) in Japan:

Kumano Hongu Taisha Otorii

Though the altitude is low, the mountains are steep, and the going is challenging. Add in the heat and humidity of June, and you get challenging days (though I realize the photo below does not show it :)

Hiking on the Kumano Kodo

It’s lovely at the end of a long day to get to a ryokan, take off all your sweaty clothes, and get in a hot onsen. The one in Yunomine Onsen was particularly nice. The main onsen in town is UNESCO-listed, and it’s been visited by pilgrims for centuries. We instead used Ryokan Yoshinoya’s private outdoor onsen. It was lovely to sit outdoors in the hot waters of the onsen as a cool light drizzle fell.

Dinner and a casual stroll around Yunomine Onsen.

I like the custom of walking around onsen towns in yukata, which is like a casual version of the kimono or a lightweight bathrobe. At the end of a long day of hiking, hot and sweaty and dirty, you take all those clothes off, take a quick shower, hop in a hot onsen, put on the yukata and wear it for the rest of the day as you lazily amble from your room to dinner and about town.

The famous UNESCO-listed onsen of Yunomine Onsen

The small hut at the side of the stream is Tsuboyu bath, a UNESCO World Heritage site. Wikipedia says that “for over 1000 years, people have made pilgrimage to the onsen to participate in hot spring water purification rituals to prepare for visiting Kumano Hongu Taisha shrine to worship”.

The rooms in most, if not all, of the lodgings along the way do not even have a shower. Everyone is expected to shower in the shared shower immediately next to the onsen. This is an interesting experience for westerners: you sit on a tiny stool in a line of other tiny stools and shower and wash yourself. There are no dividers between the separate showers and there are other people doing the same thing immediately next to you.

Hiking on the Kumano Kodo

Most lodgings offer a lunch box to take with you on the days’ hike. The food is generally excellent, and always includes rice and raw fish. We ate raw fish for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day of the hike. If you’re lucky, you get to enjoy it with a nice view:

Lunch with a view

If the weather does not work out so well, there are usually a few covered shelters along the way with a table and benches.

On our third day, we hiked from Koguchi to Nachisan. It was the rainy season, so the forests were lush green and the streams flowing, sometimes directly over the ancient stone steps. It’s a beautiful landscape and reminded me of the summers of my youth spent in the woods of Czechia.

Hiking to Nachi

This was the most challenging day of our trip, with 4,000 feet of elevation gain. In Nachi, a shinto temple, a buddhist temple, and Japan’s lagest waterfall awaited us.

Seiganto-ji pagoda and Nachi Falls

Here are some resources if you’d like to plan your own trip:

Maps
Community Reservation System - as far as I can tell this is the only way to reliably book accommodation or services along the route. The website is somewhat janky; it even shuts down during the Japanese night, say some fellow travelers from Quebec. So be patient.

Hunt, Gather, Parent by Michaeleen Doucleff: Book Notes

Sun, 31 Mar 2024 00:00:00 -0700

Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans
by Michaeleen Doucleff
Goodreads

Many of the things we take to be the “right” way to raise kids (at least in western civilization) are in fact contrary to how humans have been raising kids through our history. Examples of this include toys, worrying about “self-esteem”, and praising kids a lot.

In Hunt, Gather, Parent, Michaeleen Doucleff starts by showing that many of these ideas in fact originate from the times and needs of the industrial revolution, and are not particularly compatible with human nature. Instead, she seeks to understand how parenting had been in earlier times.

Towards this end, she time with three communities that practice parenting as their ancestors had for many generations: Maya, Innuit, Hadzabe. But these are not communities untouched by the modern world - they all have smart phones, and only the Hadzabe are still hunter-gatherers. Where appropriate, she links to modern scientific studies to underscore the efficacy of what she learns.

In the U.S., we feel this enormous responsibility to “optimize” our children. That often means filling their days with nonstop activities or entertainment. I sure felt this way with Rosy (sometimes I still do). This feeling places a heavy burden on our shoulders and fills our minds with an omnipresent anxiety (e.g., “Oh my gosh, what am I going to do with Rosy for the entire Saturday?”). But the feeling also supercharges our parenting — both the macro and micro. Our knee-jerk reaction is maximal interference.

But that parenting style is not the norm; quite the opposite. The picture the author presents instead is compelling - one that focuses on including the children in the family’s lives, rather than in centering the parents’ lives around the child.

This approach has several other advantages. First, it gives parents a break. Instead of having to schedule, pay for, and participate in endless child- centered activities, parents can lead their normal lives— working or relaxing— while kids follow along, learning as they go. Rather than scheduling your life around your child, you can simply put your child into your schedule. Moreover, humans likely evolved for children to learn by shadowing adults; it’s the way they’ve been learning for at least two hundred thousand years (as we’ll see in the next chapter). So for many kids, learning this way is easier and less stressful than learning through child- centered activities. And it generates less conflict and resistance.

I’m a believer. Let’s dive in to the takeaway parenting tips from the book.

Western Parenting 2.0

Kids naturally want to do whatever parents are doing. They want to help. Let them. Encourage them. Even if they will in the beginning make a mess of things, it’s OK - this is how they learn. In the US, we often avoid this - we send kids out to play while we get chores done. This teaches kids they have no responsibilities in the family.

Don’t worry about entertaining the kids with toys or child-centered activities; instead, involve kids in whatever you’re doing. You’re making dinner? Have the toddler mix things for you. Cleaning up the living room? Have them help put things away. Kids don’t have a separation between “chores” and play, so this activity will itself become play, and it will help the child feel connected to the whole family.

Asking kids to do things:

The tasks should really be helpful contributions, however small.
They should be doable.
Never force a task; we’re training kids to cooperate, not obey.
The invitation is always to do things together, rather than asking kids to take care of things on their own.
One option is to “activate” the kid by giving them a hint that a task is needed, rather than asking them to do the task directly. For example, “the trash can is full” can be a hint to them that they could empty the trash can. This teaches kids to pay attention to what is happening around them, which in turn eventually leads to them doing the tasks on their own.

Whenever a child misbehaves, they need more responsibilities.

For older kids, have them take responsibility for setting up their own child-centered activities.

Three ingredients to spark intrinsic motivation:

sense of connectedness: what the is doing is important to the family
sense of autonomy: the kids can decide how best to do the task and do it their way. Don’t reject kids ideas how to do things
sense of competency: challenging enough not to be boring, but also doable

Praise can undermine motivation and generate competition and strife between siblings. Use it very sparingly, and when you do, connect it to maturity (“big girls clean up their own toys”).

Instead of punishments and rewards:

we are trying really hard to do X. As a member of the family, you need to try hard too.
connect helpfulness to maturity
threaten natural consequences (“if we don’t clean up the food, ants will move in”)

Resist the urge to correct a child, especially when they are trying to help. If a child is resisting a request, you’re likely forcing the issue too hard. The child knows what you want; stop asking. Wait and let the child take the lead. Work with the child’s ideas instead of resisting them. Offer simple course corrections, sparingly, while the child is working.

Americans tend to overestimate children’s emotional skills (and underestimate their physical skills). My pediatrician told me to ignore Rosy’s tantrums when she was only eighteen months old. That strategy backfired horribly, making Rosy’s tantrums— and our lives— much worse. Rosy didn’t yet have the skills to calm herself down, and being left alone to cry only fueled the fire in her chest. She needed gentle, calm love. She needed physical connection … See tantrums as a chance for the child to practice calming themselves down, and for you to model calmness— not the time for you, as their parent, to prove a point.

Give the child ample autonomy. The author distinguishes between autonomy and independence, noting that the child should still be connected closely to the family. She describes it thus: “You go about your business and I’ll go about mine, and we’ll always look for ways to help each other as much as possible.” To encourage this, decrease your commands and other verbal input (e.g. questions, choices, requests), and empower the child by training them to handle challenges on their own.

Don’t ask children what they want or offer them choices. Instead, guide them to understand that they are part of the family and need to go along with it.

Older children make great “alloparents” for younger ones. Tell the older the child that they are responsible for the younger, and that they need to be the mama/daddy or “big kid”, and gradually increase their responsibilities.

Dealing with misbehavior

The best way to teach kids to regulate their own emotions is to regulate your own. Don’t yell. When angry, don’t talk at all. Make a request calmly and wait silently for the child to comply. If they refuse, leave or stop paying attention to the child. Never argue or negotiate with a child. Children (and adults!) mirror our emotions, so model the emotions you want.

Responding to negative behavior even negatively signals that that behavior is important and useful.

Don’t give kids choices. No more “Do you want…?” Choices are hard.

Teaching about misbehavior is best done (long) after the misbehavior has occurred. It’s only when the kid is calm that they are amenable to learning.

Trick: discuss family history, and how you did the things that you are asking the kid to do when your parents asked you.

Use inanimate objects as puppets to explain things to kids.

Tell kids about Monsters - they will take you away if you go near the edge of the pool alone!

Reenact problematic behavior through dramas to resolve tension and encourage empathy.

The Formula

Over and over, the author keeps coming back to the “formula” to teach a child a particular behavior: behavior = model + practice + acknowledge:

model the desired behavior
offer ample opportunities to practice it
acknowledge when the child does the desired behavior. This one is interesting: the author goes to great length to differentiate it from praise. It’s a nod, a small smile, an encouraging “hmmm”. A good way to acknowledge the desired behavior is by connecting it to maturity: “you’re such a big girl, you’re already helping to clear the table”.

Notice what’s not in the formula: explanations and lectures, punishments, praise, rewards, negotiations, threats. The big idea is never to force a child to do anything. Instead, encourage.

Final Thoughts

5/5 - I really enjoyed this book (thanks to Joey and Ayesha for the recommendation!). The writing is crisp, the stories vivid and illustrative, and in places it’s backed up by scientific studies.

Perhaps this me being happy to read what I wanted to read: the parenting approach described is much less stressful and demanding than what I commonly see around me, and yet I’d felt guilty for even considering it - for not working diligently to hyper-optimize every waking (and sleeping!) minute of my daughter’s life.

This is despite the fact that while reading this book, I recognized many of the suggested parenting methods in memories from my own childhood (thanks mom & dad & grandma & Venka). I remember fixing bikes, working in the yard, and building and testing various experiments that would eventually become Ecogate.

I recommend this book highly now… but for the final verdict, ask me in 20 years or so.

Introduction to Compute Hardware for Robotics for High School Students

Thu, 01 Feb 2024 00:00:00 -0800

In the summer of 2023, I was invited to give a talk to the students in SuperTech FT, the STEM education non-profit, about compute hardware for robotics and autonomous vehicles. Here’s a recording of that talk:

I discussed the evolution of both software and hardware for robotics and autonomous vehicles, the different paradigms of CPU vs GPU programming, where robots have been successful and where they’re headed, and the evolution of programming paradigms and how AI fits in.

I hope you enjoy the talk.

For more information about SuperTech FT, check out their website.

Project Adelie - Modern Software for Modern Industry

Sun, 21 May 2023 00:00:00 -0700

Two weeks ago, the team at Ecogate unveiled the 2023 greenBOX NXT, the new state of the art for control of industrial dust, mist, and fume collection systems.

Boasting powerful industrial hardware and a modern software architecture, this unit can effortlessly handle industrial ventilation systems throughout an entire factory. With improved measurements of ventilation values, pressures, air velocities, and air volume are measured and regulated.

This week, we shared more about the software architecture for the new controller, which I started building back in 2020. I’m particularly proud of how this turned out.

We started with a goal to build nothing less than the greatest industrial dust collection controller the world has ever seen, and to build it with a software stack that the most successful tech companies in the world would be proud of. In this we have succeeded.

Many of the guiding principles come from Google’s Sate of DevOps Report, which systematically analyzes and quantifies software development best practices. I wrote about some of those findings back in 2020.

The greenBOX runs Ubuntu Linux, with operating system images built from configuration files (following the best practice of everything as code) by mkosi from systemd.

We use Mender for secure, image-based over-the-air updates. Inter-process communication is handled by ZeroMQ. Control software is written in modern C++, with some supporting modules written in Python. The user interface is a React web-app. The whole stack is containerized and orchestrated by Docker Compose.

In summary, it’s a great, modern stack, built with the best practices of modern software engineering in mind.

For more information, check out the original blog post from Ecogate.

Life, Death, and Motorcycles

Mon, 20 Feb 2023 00:00:00 -0800

A cacophony of sounds. Quick images, hard to decypher. What is that? Forest. Jungle. Narrow roads. An old woman smiles.

Something is wrong. I was somewhere, doing something. I was excited about it. Why can’t I put it all together?

Suddenly I snap to, deep breath in.

An old man squats in front of me, looking me in the eyes. He’s worried. I am sitting on the side of a narrow road, deep in a jungle somewhere. There is only the man. No other people, no buildings.

“Where am I?” I ask. “What happened?”

“You had an accident,” he says, in a tone that says that he’s told me this already.

“I’m sorry,” I say. “I can’t remember.”

“I know,” he says, and he does. He explains it again: I am in Indonesia. I was riding my motorcycle. I had an accident.

Bali, back when the rubber side was down.

I look around. My motorcycle stands at the side of the road, on its kickstand. No other vehicles are around.

The man is the owner of Warung Bucu, just down the road. He asks me if I can walk. I can, it turns out, and we walk to the Warung. He feeds me nasi goreng and tells me what had happened.

I had tried to pass a truck on the narrow mountain road, and hit an oncoming scooter while doing so. A couple of snapshots come back: - the winding road - getting stuck behind a truck - starting to pass it - being disappointed how little power the motorcycle has. “This is going to take longer than I expect,” I thought, and then… nothing

After the accident, the police had come and gone, the other rider had gone to the hospital… and they left me there. I had been out for a long time. The accident was my fault, they said, and I had no reason not to believe them.

I messaged Julian, my friend who lives in Bali, and he helped me sort things out. He dropped everything he was doing and came to pick me up, wired money to the injured rider for the hospital bills and damaged scooter, and took me back to his place so I could sleep on the couch that night.

I am eternally grateful to Julian. If you are ever in Bali, please visit TYGR sushi, his restaurant. The sushi is great, and Julian is a great dude.

Micromorts

According to JD Power, chances of a fatality in a motorcycle accident are approximately 30 times higher than in a car. This is an oft-cited number.

Let’s zoom out for a little bit and talk about micromorts. A micromort is “a unit of risk defined as a one-in-a-million chance of death”.

Here in the US, the average person has a baseline exposure of 22 micromorts every day. Surely this average masks a huge distribution, but let’s use it as the best helpful baseline we have.

Traveling 6 miles by motorcycle increases the risk of death by roughly a micromort, as does riding ~15 miles on a bicycle, walking 17 miles, traveling 230 miles by car, and 1,000 miles by jet.

That implies that riding a motorcycle is about 38 times more dangerous than driving a car. Ooof.

I think actually a different metric from JD Power might be more meaningful: “the occupant fatality rate was 10.5 for every 100,000 registered cars and 59 for every 100,000 registered motorcycles. Based on these figures, the risk of a fatal crash was almost six times higher among motorcycle riders.”

I suppose that this accounts for different riding and driving habits. For example, many riders also have a car, and they might drive more than they ride.

Let’s make it personal. I average about 1,300 miles on my motorcycle per year - an increase of 217 micromorts.

The average American, meanwhile, drives 12,724 miles in a year (per KBB), for a marginal risk increase of about 55 micromorts. So the risk from my motorcycle hobby is only about four times as high as the average American’s driving habit! I get far more joy out of my time in the saddle than Joe Schmo gets out of his commute, so this is starting to look like a half-decent trade.

Even further, according to the Insurance Journal, the first thirty days of riding a motorcycle are about four times more risky than the entire second year. 22 percent of collisions occurred in the first 30 days after an insurance policy took effect; the rate dropped one-third in the second month and almost two-thirds after six months.

I think the Lindy effect might be in play here (when ignoring the adverse effects of old age): the longer you’ve been riding motorcycles and not died, the lower your risk of dying from a motorcycle accident per mile ridden. Experience, wisdom, and skill go a long way.

The takeaway from the numbers is therefore much more encouraging than I expected when I stared the research for this post.

The Highway of Angels

There was an immeasurable distance between the quick and the dead: they did not seem to belong to the same species; and it was strange to think that but a little while before they had spoken and moved and eaten and laughed.

– W. Somerset Maugham: Of Human Bondage

The above photos were taken about 15 minutes apart, the top at Newcomb’s Ranch, and the bottom a few miles down on Angeles Crest Highway. The motorcycle belonged to Priyam.

Priyam grew up riding small motorcycles in India, and here in Los Angeles, not long after getting his first full-time job after grad school, he bought a Kawasaki Z900, a beautiful beast of a motorcycle. I told him to start small, but Priyam could not contain his excitement and splurged.

On the ride down from Newcomb’s Ranch, Priyam took the lead. I was riding behind him, and did not want to keep up with his fast pace, so he soon slipped out of sight. Then I came around a corner to see him and his motorcycle 8 feet up in the air, spinning, before landing in the dirt shoulder of the highway.

He’d entered the turn too fast with bad lane position - far on the right in a left turn. Then a pothole in the road caused him to panic and freeze up. From there, perhaps target fixation took him right into the massive boulder he wanted so badly to avoid.

Priyam got lucky that day. After being airlifted to a hospital, he was discharged a week later and has no major ongoing health issues.

His was a clear case of rider error. He was riding beyond his skill level, ecstatic with the thrill of so much power available at the flick of the wrist.

25% of motorcycle crash fatalities occur due to striking fixed objects (source); it seems like it would be safe to attribute most of them to rider error.

Even though I suspect rider error accounts for the majority of motorcycle accidents, as it did for Priyam’s accident and the one I’d had in Indonesia, it surely does not account for all of them.

Some five years before Priyam’s accident, I was riding up Angeles Crest Highway, alone. I was in a right-hand turn. Coming down in the other direction was a column of slow-moving cars.

Suddenly a tricked out Subaru was flying down my lane, in the wrong direction, heading right for me. I tightened my turn as much as I could - which was not much. Luckily, the driver swerved halfway back into his own lane, creating just enough space for my motorcycle on the inside of my lane. If anything at all had been wrong with my lane position, or his reaction, it would have been bad.

Had we gotten into an accident then, it would not have been due to rider error.

Who in their right mind would ride a motorcycle after that?

To Live

“The function of man is to live, not to exist.”

– Jack London

People do things they love, and that’s a good thing. Some do it recklessly; others fully aware of the danger inherent in what they do.

Climbing Mt. Everest carries a risk of 37,932 micromorts per successful ascent. On K2, one person dies for every four that reach the summit. Are those who climb it unaware of that? Surely not.

Are they, then, insane? Arguably so. Who in their right mind would try such a risky thing? In fact, who in their right mind would try something that hadn’t been done before? Why risk standing out from the crowd?

And yet some do. Does, in fact, progress and discovery depend on these insane people? Would a Europe filled only with the sane have ever discovered America?

When thinking about this blog post, I asked riders on reddit to share stories of their motorcycle accidents, whether they came back or not, and why. Here’s what people had to say:

Why would I give up on something that brings me such joy. I’m good at riding. You can get hit by a car walking on the sidewalk. - FranklinTBiggies

I’m back now and enjoying it. I know what my mistake was. Too much bike and very little experience. I’m older and more mature-ish. - achoowin

I enjoy the riding, there is something that fills my soul by riding. It just puts my mind in a better place, I want to say relaxing, but that is NOT the correct word…..it just has that “thing” that seems to fill me back up. - fpgt72

Honestly, I couldn’t tell you why I keep doing it. All I can say for sure is that I ride motorcycles. - No_Willingness9952

I don’t think I could just not ride anymore, the love for it is too strong. Do normal people understand that? No, not at all. But my wife supports my choice and ultimately that’s the only person who matters. I’ve been hurt much worse doing much less ‘dangerous’ things and I refuse to live my life in fear of what could happen. I’m not gonna reach the end of my days and regret not doing the things I love and enjoy. - ArmoredAlchemist

When I ride, I focus just on the riding itself. Where should I be in the lane? How should I take this turn? Pull the clutch in… what gear should I be in? What’s coming up over there? I don’t think about my job, or my bills, or some bullshit form I have to file somewhere. - Marek

I still ride… How did it change me? I hate people. They’re fuckwits who will not take responsibility for their mistakes. 1st big accident: drunk driver. 2nd accident: Farmer who left gates opened combined with meth addict who had been disqualified from driving. - AFSAlameda

[T]his last crash has me pondering my mortality and realizing that as 50 creeps up on me I’m not going to heal as fast as I used to. And it’s hard to pull in a clutch with a titanium plate in your wrist. I have a kid to haul around now. Groceries for three can’t fit in a backpack. In other words, life has intruded upon my fun. - frankentriple

Memento Mori

I’d gotten lucky in the accident in Bali. I walked away with a concussion, some cracked ribs, a sprained wrist, and a burn on my leg.

The first few days after the accident were some of the most joyful of my life. I didn’t do much: I walked barefoot around Canggu Beach, meditated, watched people around me. The simplest things made me smile. The gratitude I felt for being alive was overwhelming. Life was so beautiful, and I was so glad to be around to experience it.

I was keenly aware that I’d been flirting with death, and that luck was a key part of my being around to reflect on it. I thought that this might be the moment I give up motorcycles, but I didn’t feel a need to rush to a decision. I’d let things play out, and I felt that it was about fifty-fifty if I go back to riding.

Soon, that joy of the everyday started to fade. I kept walking around the beach, and meditating, and people-watching, but it was impossible to hang on to that feeling of gratitude; even as I tried hard to do so as I felt it slowly slip away.

My thirst returned, my hunger. I wanted more. Adventure called to me; life called to me. I wasn’t ready to slip away into a mellow, contented existence quite yet.

So I started traveling again. I joined the regular tourist crowd on planes, trains, and automobiles. A month or so later I’d start getting a wistful look every time a motorcycle passed me.

Two months later, Stephanie and I rented a scooter in The Philippines for a day. I felt nervous at first, but soon those feelings faded. We had a lovely time riding around Bohol, and we were both happy to be on the scooter rather than a crowded tour bus. It’s such a great way to get around.

Another month later I rented a dirt bike for a day in Cambodia and rode around through some forests and fields and to some temples. It was a good time.

And another month after that, about four months after the accident, I rode from Saigon to Danang in Vietnam, a thousand kilometers or so, and then 1,500 km in Thailand the month after that.

Riding around Vietnam, Cambodia, Philippines, and Thailand

One day I will die. It is good to be aware of it, and to keep reminding myself of it. Some even argue it is precisely this what gives life meaning.

A few weeks after Priyam’s accident, I rode back up to the spot where it had happened. Out of the debris the tow truck had left behind, I fished out a piece of the passenger grab bar that had been violently sheared off in the crash. I keep it as a memento mori near my helmet so that I look at it each time I go for a ride.

Memento mori

Death smiles at us all; all we can do is smile back.

– Marcus Aurelius

I try to keep this awareness of death with me always, and when the situation calls for it I try to share it with others. The responses to this vary.

A couple of years ago I was part of a group whitewater rafting down the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon. The Colorado is mighty, and about 12 people die rafting it each year.

We were a few minutes from entering a big rapid, and I brought it up - people die up here, and there is a non-negligible possibility that it will happen to us, too.

One of my friends responded very negatively - why would I be such a downer?

I invited our crew to be positive about it instead: think about what is good in life, and tell those you care about that you love them, because it’s possible you won’t get a chance to say it again.

That same friend didn’t bite, but my other friend kissed his wife and told her he loves her. That’s the right response, I think.

Relentlessly prune bullshit, don’t wait to do things that matter, and savor the time you have. That’s what you do when life is short.

– Paul Graham, Life is Short

The careful weighing of the scales

So where does this leave me?

I still ride, and it still brings a smile to my face. I really do love it.

I am cognizant of my own mortality, but also of the shortness of life and the futility of spending your days trying to prolong them.

I try to make good decisions. I don’t ride at the edge of my ability, and I wear ATGATT - All The Gear, All The Time - something that makes a huge difference in the outcomes of motorcycle accidents.

I’m happy to say that I don’t have a long commute anymore. I loved the fact that I could do it on my motorcycle back then - it saved me over half an hour every day, and it was certainly more fun than in a car… but compared to the other places I could be riding my motorcycle, it wasn’t that fun, and I think it was on the dangerous side of riding, too, what with rush hour traffic and in the dark sometimes. I had a big sheet of plywood hit me square in the face one time and stay pinned against my helmet until I threw it off with my hand. That wasn’t a good time.

Maybe I’ll finally get an adventure bike and go off roads and into the backcountry. That sounds fun, and I hope that by virtue of there being fewer cars around it will be relatively safe riding.

Revzilla has a nice writeup and video on the statistics of motorcycle accidents. The main takeaways for riders are straightforward:

wear a helmet (the most basic component of ATGATT)
do not drink and ride
slow down
never stop rider training

This dude abides.

I have a young daughter now, and when we were awaiting her arrival, a few friends told me that I’d probably give it up when she was born, and that I should.

Well, I haven’t given it up. How would I explain it to her?

I’d tell her that I love her, very much. I’d also tell her that I don’t want to let fear paralyze me into a life of dull mediocrity, and I would encourage her to live the same way. I’d tell her to maximize the experience of her life. Here’s hoping that we’ll get to have that conversation one day.

August 2025 update: I have written some more reflections on being a parent here.

Artwork other than photographs accompanying this post was generated by AI - some by DALL-E, and some by Stable Diffusion.